On the fateful day of 8th January, completely unaware of what was to unfold before me, all I had been thinking was how to make her see my love for her. How to make her believe that I am still the same person, she is still the same person and our love is still the same that we had nurtured through so many highs and lows of our relationship. But as they say nothing goes as planned when you need it the most.
I was feeling scared and satisfied at the same time that I was finally going to see her after the traumatic experience we both have had for past few weeks. To be very honest I had a hope that she will melt at the very sight of me. That's how it had always been. Hope is a good thing, may be the best of the things. People say I am a chronic liar so I will try my best to put the experience in words as close as it gets to reality.
She was sitting in the class and I was waiting outside. As soon as her class got over, I saw many faces I had known passing by. Not sure how many of them actually recognized me.
Finally after a wait that seemed like infinity, there she was coming out of her class with 2 of her friends, that smile on her face, it calmed me down. Nothing moves me like her smile and her tears. And then something happened when she saw me standing outside. Something that was the beginning of the worst nightmare of my life. At the very sight of me, that smile on her face disappeared. She clinged on to her friends arm like she feared that I might just kill her any moment. I was completely baffled. It felt like Deja Vu, just a bit too painful compared to the earlier experience. Till this day I ask myself what harm had I done to her to scare her that much. I somehow gathered the courage to walk up to her and asked her that I want to talk to her. She instantly refused saying that she doesn't want to talk. After a fair bit of compelling she agreed but wanted to talk in front of her friends. I am not sure how she got so uncomfortable with me that she needed people around to talk to me. Finally she agreed to talk at the cycle stand with out her friends. A lot of things were said but all I could gather was that she is swearing that she doesn't have any feelings left for me and that I can not force her. From the fear she first had , somehow her voice was much strong now, much more authoritative. I felt the shift but could not understand the change.
She reminded me that I had done the same with a person in my past when I wasn't feeling like continuing with that relationship so she too has the same choice. I was just wondering if being honest about my past was my biggest mistake. I never thought that of all the people she would use it against me. I tried showing her our old pics, her gifts but she just said it won't help. That I should go to a psychiatrist for help. That I should give myself time and everything will be ok. And she kept on swearing. I just wanted to take her hand , put it on my head and ask her to swear but I was so scared that what if. I kept on crying but all she said was that this is her college and felt embarrassed. I had myself asked her to take a walk with me as it was not an appropriate place to talk. I saw her fiddling with her phone. At that time I didn't realize but may be she texted her friend to ask their warden to come. I might be wrong but it felt so much out of place that her warden walked up to me and straight away asked me why I am harassing her. Harassing a person from whom I had heard I love you 17 days back for the last time. I was so hurt that I started walking but she stopped me saying that her warden just wants to talk. And it so happened that her warden took me to cafeteria and gave me a chance to crib for some time. In retrospection I do realize that in the heat of the moment I might have said a few things I shouldn't have. That I should not have criticized her so much. But with so much of negativity around, it's hard to remind yourself that you are there to win her back and not push her further away. After a while her warden asked her to go to her class but the very sight of her going away made me feel so miserable that it's impossible to frame in words. I literally begged her warden that I just want half an hour to talk to her and then she can go to her lab and I will go back. But her warden told me that she doesn't have her number or her friends number. Then they asked me to leave the college and after much persuasion I gave up thinking that people who are saying break ups happen all the time, what's the big deal would understand my pain. So I walked out from the same cycle stand but my heart wasn't ready to accept so I came back again and luckily unluckily found Aayushi right in front of me. I wasn't aware that her warden had called her to come to a place she was walking to and told her that I want to talk to her. I kept on pleading that I just want half an hour of her time. And then I saw her warden. She was as shocked as I was to see her there. Her warden lost it completely at the sight of me. As we were walking towards her, last words I whispered to Aayushi were "I love you a lot Aayushi, please don't do this". But she kept on walking towards her warden.
After that whatever happened was so unreal that I still fail to believe it. Her warden called guards to escort me to anti harassment cell of IIT Guwahati and then ban my entry into the college forever and all this while I kept on asking Aayushi for just half an hour of her time. But she just stood there in absolute silence with a stone expression on her face. I kept on telling, Aayushi please , please don't do this. Then she just walked away with her back towards me. I think she had tears in her eyes. Her friends went to console her. I don't know if they were tears for the embarrassment that she might have felt with so many people around or was it because she was making me go through this experience. From the last hug where I felt I had entire world in my arms to this day when I didn't even recognize the person she was that day, it was a stuff for living the worst nightmares with open eyes. Last words I could utter to her were "Thanks a lot for this Aayushi, thanks a lot".
It was possibly the worst day of my life and the lowest I have ever felt. Not because I had to go through that embarrassment but because a person who said I was her world a few days back stood there and did nothing. Two people who have been in a relationship at least owe that much to each other. Then they took me to the head of anti harassment cell and I wailed like a child in front of those guards, the head and lady security guards. I don't remember if I have ever felt that broken in my life that tears just won't stop. All those people were very nice to me but I wasn't able to believe what had just happened. Then after a counseling by the head, and listening to my part of the story, he told me that I don't know why warden is after you. It so happened that one of the lady guards present was from her hostel and she walked up to me and said please don't cry. She told me her own story that how she married her husband against everyone's will and then that guy left her after years of marriage. She has a child and is living alone for last 5 years. And that people do this all the time but it does not mean we stop living. If they don't care why should we. That she would ask Aayushi why she did it. It was so sweet of her that it is the only bright memory I have of IIT Guwahati. You really find God in most unexpected places.
What I could do but leave the place heartbroken. I kept on asking myself the same question over and over again. Have I done this to anybody to get rid of them ? Have I ever forced anybody to go through such humiliation ? Why is it happening to me then ? Was she saying the truth when she said that I just tortured her through out this relationship ? I accept I am a very difficult person to get along with in a relationship and I had always maintained that I know I am difficult to deal with. But does that justify her behavior towards me ? More & More questions but nobody was there to answer. Still no one is. That day I learnt a very important lesson of my life. People do what they want to do. Love means something only as long as it doesn't test you at your biggest weaknesses.
I gave her so many chances to leave me but she chose to stick by my side. There must have been something good about our relationship and she must have really loved me deeply to hold me for that long against all odds. But I never feared losing her to these lows because our fights were always about things like her not giving enough time to me, me not voluntarily calling her up, her not accepting our relationship in front of everyone, me not caressing her enough during the lows she felt due to her depressing college life, her not giving me priority and always making me wait on Skype calls as soon as somebody used to knock at her door, me sometimes saying very hurtful things because I felt she was holding something for the possibility of us not ending up together , all silly things that would have been taken care of once she would have left her college. Even if she would have left me in those moments I would have persuaded her over and over again because I knew she loved me too much to leave me. Long distance relationships are demanding but we loved each other too much to give up.
But only once when I really feared losing her and the only time I really wanted her to not give up and stick by my side, she chose to walk away. In that one moment all I expected from her was to say that harsh I understand how difficult it must have been to live under the burden of something I told her and I am standing by your side. You don't have to fear losing me to such a stupid thing. I love you above all these trivial things. Instead she chose to walk away leaving me in a condition where I just kept on questioning if she ever loved me. All I wanted from her was to tell me that we will try our best to overcome this hurdle. Instead she chose to tell my friends that we have broken up even before I knew that we had broken up and that they should take care of me. I wrote a question on quora that she felt very bad about. But she failed to understand how would have I felt addressing her as my ex-gf because she had told everyone before me that we had a break up. I trusted her with the most vulnerable part of me and she was only the second person I exposed that part to but she chose to tell it to other people. May be I failed to convey to her what it really meant to me and how cheated I felt when I heard other people telling me about it.
May be it was too much to expect for her to be comfortable with it but she failed to understand that the way she reacted about it made all my fears come true and made them even worse. I needed her love in that moment and not a tag that I cheated her by with holding it to myself. I needed her to be my strength in that moment. I wanted her to hold my hands and hug me in that one moment but instead she chose to drift away so fast and cut off all ties that it made me question if I really meant anything in her life or did her love come with terms and conditions. I have made many mistakes in life and many in this relationship but nobody can take away from me that I loved her in a heartbeat. Once I believed that she loves me more than anything in this world, I based my entire future, all my dreams around her. And then she just left like I was a spoilt limb that she needed to remove from her life as soon as possible.
I was feeling scared and satisfied at the same time that I was finally going to see her after the traumatic experience we both have had for past few weeks. To be very honest I had a hope that she will melt at the very sight of me. That's how it had always been. Hope is a good thing, may be the best of the things. People say I am a chronic liar so I will try my best to put the experience in words as close as it gets to reality.
She was sitting in the class and I was waiting outside. As soon as her class got over, I saw many faces I had known passing by. Not sure how many of them actually recognized me.
Finally after a wait that seemed like infinity, there she was coming out of her class with 2 of her friends, that smile on her face, it calmed me down. Nothing moves me like her smile and her tears. And then something happened when she saw me standing outside. Something that was the beginning of the worst nightmare of my life. At the very sight of me, that smile on her face disappeared. She clinged on to her friends arm like she feared that I might just kill her any moment. I was completely baffled. It felt like Deja Vu, just a bit too painful compared to the earlier experience. Till this day I ask myself what harm had I done to her to scare her that much. I somehow gathered the courage to walk up to her and asked her that I want to talk to her. She instantly refused saying that she doesn't want to talk. After a fair bit of compelling she agreed but wanted to talk in front of her friends. I am not sure how she got so uncomfortable with me that she needed people around to talk to me. Finally she agreed to talk at the cycle stand with out her friends. A lot of things were said but all I could gather was that she is swearing that she doesn't have any feelings left for me and that I can not force her. From the fear she first had , somehow her voice was much strong now, much more authoritative. I felt the shift but could not understand the change.
She reminded me that I had done the same with a person in my past when I wasn't feeling like continuing with that relationship so she too has the same choice. I was just wondering if being honest about my past was my biggest mistake. I never thought that of all the people she would use it against me. I tried showing her our old pics, her gifts but she just said it won't help. That I should go to a psychiatrist for help. That I should give myself time and everything will be ok. And she kept on swearing. I just wanted to take her hand , put it on my head and ask her to swear but I was so scared that what if. I kept on crying but all she said was that this is her college and felt embarrassed. I had myself asked her to take a walk with me as it was not an appropriate place to talk. I saw her fiddling with her phone. At that time I didn't realize but may be she texted her friend to ask their warden to come. I might be wrong but it felt so much out of place that her warden walked up to me and straight away asked me why I am harassing her. Harassing a person from whom I had heard I love you 17 days back for the last time. I was so hurt that I started walking but she stopped me saying that her warden just wants to talk. And it so happened that her warden took me to cafeteria and gave me a chance to crib for some time. In retrospection I do realize that in the heat of the moment I might have said a few things I shouldn't have. That I should not have criticized her so much. But with so much of negativity around, it's hard to remind yourself that you are there to win her back and not push her further away. After a while her warden asked her to go to her class but the very sight of her going away made me feel so miserable that it's impossible to frame in words. I literally begged her warden that I just want half an hour to talk to her and then she can go to her lab and I will go back. But her warden told me that she doesn't have her number or her friends number. Then they asked me to leave the college and after much persuasion I gave up thinking that people who are saying break ups happen all the time, what's the big deal would understand my pain. So I walked out from the same cycle stand but my heart wasn't ready to accept so I came back again and luckily unluckily found Aayushi right in front of me. I wasn't aware that her warden had called her to come to a place she was walking to and told her that I want to talk to her. I kept on pleading that I just want half an hour of her time. And then I saw her warden. She was as shocked as I was to see her there. Her warden lost it completely at the sight of me. As we were walking towards her, last words I whispered to Aayushi were "I love you a lot Aayushi, please don't do this". But she kept on walking towards her warden.
After that whatever happened was so unreal that I still fail to believe it. Her warden called guards to escort me to anti harassment cell of IIT Guwahati and then ban my entry into the college forever and all this while I kept on asking Aayushi for just half an hour of her time. But she just stood there in absolute silence with a stone expression on her face. I kept on telling, Aayushi please , please don't do this. Then she just walked away with her back towards me. I think she had tears in her eyes. Her friends went to console her. I don't know if they were tears for the embarrassment that she might have felt with so many people around or was it because she was making me go through this experience. From the last hug where I felt I had entire world in my arms to this day when I didn't even recognize the person she was that day, it was a stuff for living the worst nightmares with open eyes. Last words I could utter to her were "Thanks a lot for this Aayushi, thanks a lot".
It was possibly the worst day of my life and the lowest I have ever felt. Not because I had to go through that embarrassment but because a person who said I was her world a few days back stood there and did nothing. Two people who have been in a relationship at least owe that much to each other. Then they took me to the head of anti harassment cell and I wailed like a child in front of those guards, the head and lady security guards. I don't remember if I have ever felt that broken in my life that tears just won't stop. All those people were very nice to me but I wasn't able to believe what had just happened. Then after a counseling by the head, and listening to my part of the story, he told me that I don't know why warden is after you. It so happened that one of the lady guards present was from her hostel and she walked up to me and said please don't cry. She told me her own story that how she married her husband against everyone's will and then that guy left her after years of marriage. She has a child and is living alone for last 5 years. And that people do this all the time but it does not mean we stop living. If they don't care why should we. That she would ask Aayushi why she did it. It was so sweet of her that it is the only bright memory I have of IIT Guwahati. You really find God in most unexpected places.
What I could do but leave the place heartbroken. I kept on asking myself the same question over and over again. Have I done this to anybody to get rid of them ? Have I ever forced anybody to go through such humiliation ? Why is it happening to me then ? Was she saying the truth when she said that I just tortured her through out this relationship ? I accept I am a very difficult person to get along with in a relationship and I had always maintained that I know I am difficult to deal with. But does that justify her behavior towards me ? More & More questions but nobody was there to answer. Still no one is. That day I learnt a very important lesson of my life. People do what they want to do. Love means something only as long as it doesn't test you at your biggest weaknesses.
I gave her so many chances to leave me but she chose to stick by my side. There must have been something good about our relationship and she must have really loved me deeply to hold me for that long against all odds. But I never feared losing her to these lows because our fights were always about things like her not giving enough time to me, me not voluntarily calling her up, her not accepting our relationship in front of everyone, me not caressing her enough during the lows she felt due to her depressing college life, her not giving me priority and always making me wait on Skype calls as soon as somebody used to knock at her door, me sometimes saying very hurtful things because I felt she was holding something for the possibility of us not ending up together , all silly things that would have been taken care of once she would have left her college. Even if she would have left me in those moments I would have persuaded her over and over again because I knew she loved me too much to leave me. Long distance relationships are demanding but we loved each other too much to give up.
But only once when I really feared losing her and the only time I really wanted her to not give up and stick by my side, she chose to walk away. In that one moment all I expected from her was to say that harsh I understand how difficult it must have been to live under the burden of something I told her and I am standing by your side. You don't have to fear losing me to such a stupid thing. I love you above all these trivial things. Instead she chose to walk away leaving me in a condition where I just kept on questioning if she ever loved me. All I wanted from her was to tell me that we will try our best to overcome this hurdle. Instead she chose to tell my friends that we have broken up even before I knew that we had broken up and that they should take care of me. I wrote a question on quora that she felt very bad about. But she failed to understand how would have I felt addressing her as my ex-gf because she had told everyone before me that we had a break up. I trusted her with the most vulnerable part of me and she was only the second person I exposed that part to but she chose to tell it to other people. May be I failed to convey to her what it really meant to me and how cheated I felt when I heard other people telling me about it.
May be it was too much to expect for her to be comfortable with it but she failed to understand that the way she reacted about it made all my fears come true and made them even worse. I needed her love in that moment and not a tag that I cheated her by with holding it to myself. I needed her to be my strength in that moment. I wanted her to hold my hands and hug me in that one moment but instead she chose to drift away so fast and cut off all ties that it made me question if I really meant anything in her life or did her love come with terms and conditions. I have made many mistakes in life and many in this relationship but nobody can take away from me that I loved her in a heartbeat. Once I believed that she loves me more than anything in this world, I based my entire future, all my dreams around her. And then she just left like I was a spoilt limb that she needed to remove from her life as soon as possible.
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