Just when you think life is going great and all the pieces seem to fit perfectly into the puzzle of life, Life raises its level and shows you why it's a struggle. No matter how high you get , it can always put you down back to the ground. You can try to fight the odds but I guess that's how it is in the end. Off late I have been going through a similar phase in life. I was not ready for this and life caught me on the back foot. I have not seen the death of any close family member in my entire life so I am probably not accustomed to that deep sense of loss, that void. When I first felt that deep pain of losing someone(figuratively), I just wasn't ready and impulsively thought of ending my own life. In retrospection, that does make me hate myself.
I have realized one thing after this grave experience that no matter what you do in your life, people will always judge you for what you had no control over and what you never chose for yourself. No amount of love can change that mentality. It's in the very roots of our existence. They will try to sugar coat their hidden biases but for how long can you not see through the people whom you love very dearly. There is no greater pain in life than seeing the person who claimed to love you more than anything else in their world, give up on you. And what makes it worse is that you were not even involved while somebody made that choice for you and themselves.
I am not the kind of a person who easily gives up on the idea of love but for the first time in my life I feel I don't have the courage to believe that anybody can truly love me. Somewhere I can relate my situation to the curse of sisyphus. Life has beaten me up in a similar manner just because I refused to give up on the idea of love. I wish I had learnt the lessons while I went through bitter life experiences. Still trying to cope up with the fact that I will need to walk through this life alone. I wish for the sake of people who love me, that I had never loved.
I have realized one thing after this grave experience that no matter what you do in your life, people will always judge you for what you had no control over and what you never chose for yourself. No amount of love can change that mentality. It's in the very roots of our existence. They will try to sugar coat their hidden biases but for how long can you not see through the people whom you love very dearly. There is no greater pain in life than seeing the person who claimed to love you more than anything else in their world, give up on you. And what makes it worse is that you were not even involved while somebody made that choice for you and themselves.
I am not the kind of a person who easily gives up on the idea of love but for the first time in my life I feel I don't have the courage to believe that anybody can truly love me. Somewhere I can relate my situation to the curse of sisyphus. Life has beaten me up in a similar manner just because I refused to give up on the idea of love. I wish I had learnt the lessons while I went through bitter life experiences. Still trying to cope up with the fact that I will need to walk through this life alone. I wish for the sake of people who love me, that I had never loved.
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