Over a period of last 2 years, I have played and replayed this moment in my head trying to visualize how I would feel when it finally arrives. But there is no hiding from the truth. Life has it's own way of making you face what you try so hard to run away from. In these years I have tried preparing myself for this moment. Today when it finally arrived, it didn't take one complete second to bring tears to my eyes. Even if I repeatedly told myself that it would happen someday and it should not even bother me a bit, here I am feeling as if somebody just crushed the already broken heart with utter disregard.
Painful, yes absolutely, but it would set me free. Free from the shackles of my past, free from the hope of feeling whole again, free of wanting to repair myself in the same place where I was broken. Ironically 2 years back on the very same day I took a decision to screw my life and today when I was sitting in the comfort of my home though lonely but feeling at peace, life decided to screw the day for me again. Don't know what is it with the Decembers of my life. It's as if somebody high up above decides to set me a goal for the coming year to try to pick myself up after the fall and start running again.
I haven't written in a long long time and for a person who has an ocean of words, an innate ability to frame emotions into words and the willingness to utilize the gift, it's very unusual. But I had a good reason to stop as it inadvertently threw me back in time on a loop. But today is a special moment, a moment of truth. Reminds me of a few lines from my favorite song :
Dedicated to Self
Painful, yes absolutely, but it would set me free. Free from the shackles of my past, free from the hope of feeling whole again, free of wanting to repair myself in the same place where I was broken. Ironically 2 years back on the very same day I took a decision to screw my life and today when I was sitting in the comfort of my home though lonely but feeling at peace, life decided to screw the day for me again. Don't know what is it with the Decembers of my life. It's as if somebody high up above decides to set me a goal for the coming year to try to pick myself up after the fall and start running again.
I haven't written in a long long time and for a person who has an ocean of words, an innate ability to frame emotions into words and the willingness to utilize the gift, it's very unusual. But I had a good reason to stop as it inadvertently threw me back in time on a loop. But today is a special moment, a moment of truth. Reminds me of a few lines from my favorite song :
Dedicated to Self
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And I promise to myself, I will fix you one day. No matter how hard or lost you act, I will do whatever it takes to fix myself. I will find that overly emotional fool who had shut himself down so nobody could even touch beneath the surface and I will bring him out in the open. Apathy is no way to live a fulfilling life and empathy is a rare quality that one should never lose. I will find my empathetic self one day someday somewhere.
And last but not the least, wish you a happy married life ahead. As for myself, I have different idea of a worthy life.
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