Battle of my heart and mind

Today when i am writing you this I can't really describe whats going on inside me. There is a battle between my heart and mind. I am terribly stuck between the two. You know my mind is telling me that I should not keep something that I am not worthy of. All of a sudden I am finding myself no match for you. Somewhere I am appearing to myself as someone miserably small to have someone like you. With all its logic I know my mind is not lying ... You can have a better life of which I need not to be a part of rather i should not be....and I have no right to take away that life from you...Staying with me will only make your life more problematic and troublesome. I don't want to carry the guilt of taking away that picture perfect life from you. I know I can gather enough courage to stay away from you. My mind tells me I can. 


But this heart, It just does not understand any logic. It tells me I can't live with out you. Mind tells me that can't possibly be true. No body dies with out anybody. Everybody is here to live there own life. Heart says I dont want to live with out you. Can't even imagine what life would look like with out you...I am pretty sure would be the scariest nightmare come true. 

A day spent without you is like skipping a thousand heartbeats , missing out on thousand memories , missing out on thousand chances to feel alive....When I hold you in my arms I feel like I am holding life. The warmth of your hug reassures my heart that life is very beautiful. Everything you say, every expression of yours is imprinted in my memories like a photographic film. 

May be tomorrow we will not be together but I don't want to miss out on a chance to tell you that you mean a world to me..my world. I think of you all day till the night ends and the dawn spills its brightness, till a new day begins and then I do the same thing all over again. I have dreamed of a world where it will be only you and me....just the two of us living in a home where every single thing around us reflects love and lots of it. Nobody has ever touched my heart and soul so deep like you have. Nobody ever made me feel more loved than you have. No matter where I stay in this world you will always be living either with me or inside me forever. They say nothing stays forever and may be they are right but I just want to stretch my forever till I am breathing. You are everything I ever wanted and much more than that. I just wish that I can give you as much happiness as you deserve till you are a part of my life. Love you more than anything in this world, Love you more than myself.

You Don't Find Love, Love Finds You

Water used to taste like water , food used to taste like food , rain used to feel like rain , eyes used to see things as they were , songs used to be a way to keep up the spirit . Everything was as it should be. I had all of my senses in place. But like they say once in a while comes a time in your life when something strange happens and some how this strangeness seems more familiar than anything else. I guess it was just about that time in my life. Like i was carelessly walking across a garden filled with flowers and suddenly one of those many left me spell bounded to its pulchritude. Two years from then while I am reflecting back on that moment I still can't figure out what it really was that caught my attention.

If there is one person who took my imperfections and turned them by 180 degrees to make me a much better guy , turned me into somebody who appears to be deserving of being loved and cared, somebody who possess the strength of standing tall against all odds life has to offer, its her. The gap between my fingers fits so neatly into her fingers like GOD made it a perfect match. The touch of her hands reassures my heart that she will never let me walk alone for a moment in my life. The first glance at those sparkling round eyes and till date i am trying to affirm to there depth. Its been an enthralling journey through the ocean of emotions they carry.

It would not be an exaggeration if i say reaching out to your heart was no easy ride. There were tumultuous times filled with all sorts of turbulences , times that left me astonished , times when even with all my intellect i was not able to comprehend the situations. But in the process of helping you find your original cherubic self I have found something really beautiful. You have a heart thats as pure as a mothers love for her child. For the first time in my life I was ready to love selflessly, was ready to give everything i had with out any expectations. Didn't realize that life is all set to surprise me. I remember the times when we used to talk about fairy tales and how i used to convince you that you too will have one. I guess wasn't all that wrong.

Your presence in my life makes me feel complete. The love I have for you grows manyfold with each passing moment. Your smile gives me a strength to fight for your happiness. The uncertainty surrounding us these days do annoys me a little. But If you are with me i will make it alright just like every other time.

Finding you was just a matter of serendipity , knowing you was a matter of choice , meeting you was a matter of endurance , reaching out to your heart was a matter of perseverance , becoming the epicenter of your life was a matter of being gifted and blessed , getting your love was no less a matter of rediscovering myself and marrying you would be by no means lesser than a matter of fighting for my life :):)

The Perfect Love

I would not be lying if I say I refrained in every possible way from writing this thing down but relented to an unquenchable desire for expression.

My restless brain is twiddling with the faded memories incarcerated long back somewhere in the unconscious. But the cacophony of my screams being annulled by a mellifluous sound running in the backdrop. The dulcet tones of her voice rendering the effects of an anodyne. "Music is Panacea" might sound like an over exaggeration but its a palliative worth having. The song takes off with a preface that has a powerful flow of emotions.

"You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that with out them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless but nothing can save you. And when its over you almost wish if you could re-live that past"

First line has an emphatic touch of reality. Having experienced it , my thought process is in accord with it. Too adamant to take the lessons life will teach you the hard way. The worst thing we could do in such situations is to create a reality distortion field. You can wait across the aeons and put yourself through endless misery. Somebody rightly said that Hope is a remarkable thing but he never mentioned at what cost. Life comes around only once . What you have today will not exist tomorrow and you will loose tomorrow thinking about a day before that. If there is anyone whose getting affected , its only you. Keeping a broken heart is like serving a white elephant. It might make you more empathetic toward others feelings but  in the process letting your inner self getting tormented is too exorbitant a price to pay . And if you didn't go to high school Miss Rihanna let me tell you idioms are a good thing to learn."There is no use of crying over spilled milk " :P

Love is not just a four letter word starting with L ending in E commonly abbreviated these days with an inequality preceding a numeral 3. For 90 percent of the people 90 percent of the time love starts with looks and ends at the sexual organs. If your perception of love is not a fallacy then why is this indifference towards all forms of love existing in our vicinity. Why this parochial outlook towards the Realm of love. What my mother do for me no matter how i am acting is the purest form of love i have seen aesthetic in all its virtue. She never ask me for anything she just trusts me that i will do it myself. When my sis calls me up immediately every time after seeing my ex and tells me about her as if she wishes to make me see her through her own eyes is a form of love that almost astonishes me all the time. When i decides to call it quits with my job , the way Shreyas calles me up and tries to make me understand like a father trying to cajole his child to do the right thing is what LOVE all about. We all commit mistakes, we all have bad experiences but LOVE is never at fault, we humans are. Open yourself to the love of people who cares a lot about you. It will not only obliterate your pain but will make you see the brighter side of what they describe in Text book stories , the perfect love :):)

Geeky BUT Composed

It was the time when i initially joined ST Ericsson, place where I am presently working. I was recruited in place of a person named Sudheer who used to handle most of the integration related activities in Symbian single handedly.

The project was in its completion phase and most of the work was already completed except for one activity CTC++ that was still pending and results were trailing well behind the expected targets set by Nokia. I had worked on application layer before but this was the first time in drivers and I had no exposure to how drivers work at the lower system level in integration with the hardware. The difficult part was that there was a scarcely narrow time frame to learn these things and achieve the targets for CTC++ activity as the product delivery dates were reaching fast. From the day I started working there was a pressure from management side to speed up the learning and bring the CTC++ to a logical end. But the real challenges presented themselves when along with CTC++ , I had to take up the responsibilities of USB package releases to NOKIA, the bug fixes for ER requests raised and running an entire validation cycle for every small bit of tweaking done with the code which is a day long activity.

In the early days I was completely alienated by the pressures of work and the burden of expectations management had put on me when i was just a beginner in embedded systems. I hardly used to get any time for nearly 4 months for my personal life. But what kept me going was the support of my team leader who himself is so dedicated to his work that it really motivated me to exceed his expectations. Another thing that created a lot of problem was my obliging nature. If a team member asks for support in there activities I could not say no. Things got really difficult for me when my mentor left and there was no one to help me or guide me through. That was one time when I found it really difficult to keep up my spirit but only my persisting nature , my penchant for hard work and a bitter dislike for failures kept me going.

At the time of knowledge transfer from Sudheer I constantly tried to imbibe his expertise and skills on CTC++. I used to sit at his desk and handle things on my own while he used to guide me through only when needed. I had to go through the entire documentation beforehand to get inline with the flow of information. I spent the following days absorbing as much information about USB drivers and Symbian Operating system as my brain would permit. I asked my team leader to arrange separate presentations for different aspects of USB Drivers so that I can get an insight on the structural organization of the driver and how it was being written. I used to have difficulty saying 'no' to people , but since CTC++ was a time consuming activity and I was approaching the deadlines I learnt to better set priorities and sometimes had to say no. Whenever I used to feel the burden of pressure I used to remind myself that I was learning so many new things in such a short time and was gaining an expertise with every passing day and people had actually started to ask for my help in their activities.

When I started working on CTC++ activity , the decisional coverage was 55% and functional coverage was 72% with an effort of two years whereas the targets set by Nokia were 80% for decisional coverage and 95% for functional coverage. Last week I got a mail from Line manager appreciating the constant efforts I have put in last 6 months to overshoot the targets well before the delivery deadline in March. I have got an outstanding rating for this activity. This certainly is one of the most fulfilling experiences of my professional life.